Love, It’s oxygen.

As today is a regular day where regular things happen to regular people, today is also a day where great news and tragedy occur on the lives of others. Do you notice?

Today which happens to be a big deal for us, as it is the day of Atonement, ¬†we had a late afternoon assembly where everyone came to our home to webcast and fellowship. We have a decent size group, but today we had almost everyone so our apartment living room was very full! ūüôā I sat next to a young teenage girl with a dazzling smile. We will call her Zoey, just to not disclose her real name. As the webcast ended, she was removed from the room politely by her father and then upon return had a deep, dark somber look. Not the kind you get when you get in trouble but the kind you get when your heart has become devastated. As everyone is getting up to continue fellowship, she walks out the door and her mother then tells us… one of Zoey’s dear friends at the age of 15 has committed suicide. My heart fell to the floor. I immediately ran out to hug Zoey. Though nothing I could ever say would truly comfort her, I knew what NOT to say so instead I told her I loved her, hugged her and let her walk down the stairs. I immediately prayed for her heart, her friends family and mainly her friend’s dear soul.

The question that most people ask is why would a 15 year old want to commit suicide, it’s so selfish, but let me tell you… I was that 15 year old. With the exception that I was actually 14 and I lived. (Obviously at the time I was angry about it, but now I am beyond grateful) I do not know the details of this young person, or where they came from. And those who judge others for making a choice such as this – shame on you. Yes, the act of suicide is a very selfish act, however, the severely depressed seldom realize the consequences for their actions, and frankly, they don’t care. As an outsider – DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT say something stupid to a hurting family. You will not say anything that will bring their baby back.

I cannot speak to the family’s feelings today, but I can speak to being suicidal at such a young age. Beginning from the age of ten I would journal. I wrote in my journal about everything. I do remember being 19, getting ready to move to Tennessee I read through my journals one more time before I ripped them to shreds and threw them away. I lived in such darkness. I could not imagine a future, I couldn’t feel happiness, and I felt like I wasn’t worth being loved. I had the few people who loved me, but for all others I was always a burden. The Summer of 1995 was not the first or the last time I tried to commit suicide. Sadly, the first time I attempted suicide I was 10. I wrote someone a note at school telling them about ‘my plan’ and boy that did not go over well. The school called my dad and my step-mom, and soon the family knew about it and I was of course made fun of, because I showed up to school a few days later. I did not want the attention… I wanted to fade away without anyone noticing. Instead I went to a child psychologist who said I needed to try living somewhere else for a while. That didn’t work either.

I will not go into detail about the Summer of 95 for many reasons, but I can tell you that when I ‘woke up’ I was blind – could only see white or dark fuzz, and I was partially deaf – only hearing long and short tones. I could hear my dad’s voice, but I couldn’t understand it. ¬†I screamed to him and told him I was dying (because I should have been dead) and he of course thought I was being ridiculous and dramatic. In his defense, he had no clue about my severe depression or think I’d do anything to end my life. So, to him I was being ridiculous and dramatic. I dragged myself to the bathroom which was across the hall. I knew the house by counting numbers – you know, when it’s dark and you have to pee or get a drink of water you count your steps and feel the corners? I knew exactly how far my bed was the the toilet. So I counted and crawled on the floor. I couldn’t walk. Partially because I couldn’t see. I tried to throw up anything I could. I can’t remember if I did. I just knew that if I fell back asleep I would die. I swallowed over half of a large bottle of Aspirin, drank something poisonous and washed it down with some ice water. Seriously. I should have been dead. I begged my dad to take me to the doctor. He was quite angry for having to take off work to drive me all the way across town, but again in his defense he had no idea. I was thankful he did. I did not tell anyone the truth about what happened. So, of course the doctor gave me medicine for whatever he tried to diagnosis me for (I don’t remember much of that visit). When I got home and took the medicine, I couldn’t move my mouth. At this point I saw shapes, colors and movement, so i could get around my house, but I wouldn’t know Paul from Peter unless they spoke. At this point I could hear people talk but everything else was foggy. Needless to say, I couldn’t take the medicine. I didn’t know what to do or who to call. Later, I called a very special woman in my life, Cori (Not her real name) I confessed to her what I did and what happened. Though she lived an hour or so away, she stopped what she was doing, called my mother – informed her of what had happened, and then drove all the way to my dad’s house where I was. My dad was confused why I had all these visitors, since I was just ‘sick’. I begged them both not to tell him. I didn’t want him to feel guilty and I didn’t think he’d understand. I feel horrible for not being honest with my dad, because if I was he may have taken me to the hospital then to get my stomach pumped. I was very sleepy, but tried hard to stay awake. Once my mom got there, I could sleep, I didn’t want her to leave. There is something comforting about your mommy being there, even if they are just laying there. I slept. Finally after two full days, I could see, hear, and function. I was not 100% by any means, but I was going to be okay. ¬†I never knew why God spared my life. I really didn’t, but because it was such a scary experience, i promised I would never do that again, take aspirin again, and that I would reach out.

Since I am being honest, I will say that was not the last time I tried to end my life, but it was the last time I ever swallowed aspirin – to this day I will not take it. During my many months of post pardum, I struggled, but what always saved me was the cry of my baby. No matter what frame of mind I was in or what I was about to do – one cry from my sweet baby and I was running to her. God allowed my baby to be my saving grace. I think even those 18 years ago.. he has so much planned for me, for all of us!

In my short life of 32 years I have made the bestest of friends. Friends who still love me to this day. Most days I have no idea why, but they do. I had two loves in high school. in 1998, I met the guy who I truly believed to be the love of my life, and though I made horrible mistakes there and let him go, he was always kind hearted to me when saying goodbye. I have had many great jobs – ones I have been more than lucky to ever get. I married a man who WANTED to marry me. I never thought there’d be such a man, but there is – he’s in my living room. I have a daughter. A beautiful daughter, who is smart, funny, creative and has the most delightful kind hearted spirit. I have animals who WANT to hang out with me during the day and sleep with me at night. I have many people who rely on me. I have a church group of people who come into my home twice a week that trust me. My parents are still living and I love them so much and I thankfully have relationships with both of them. And get this – I still have both sets of grandparents!!! Who I adore and admire. Though I move around a lot ,am often alone and still struggle with depression, I am ¬†reminded; There is so much love in my life.

So I write all this to share… Love people. Everyone. Make sure you are showing love by your actions, your words, your deeds, in letters, emails, texts, whatever. When the days are hard and the times are extremely difficult, the things that gets you through those humps – is love. Pray. Pray for your enemies, for people you don’t know, and for you to be a better loving you. Being kind is showing love. Smiling (especially when you don’t feel like it) is showing love. Do NOT be judgmental as this is the opposite of love. Think of others first. As hard as this sometimes can be, it’s truly beautiful to give.

So, my dear friends please pray for this family who lost their child. Pray for the friends and family who have lost and mostly, pray for those who are hurting. if you are hurting. reach out. Reach out to someone who will lovingly tell you the truth. Accept love. Do not reject it. Have any of you seen ‘To save a life?’ We watched it together as a family not to long ago and it touched on this very subject. I suggest you rent it, watch it – take it to heart.¬†http://tosavealifemovie.com/

Prayerfully full of love,

dinkybp

 

A little Dream.

I had another dream last night that inspired me. It took people and places from my past and recreated a setting in the current year in my life. I did not want to wake up. I felt giddy again, I felt alive, I felt like it all actually happened. Waking up to a lawn mower noise outside and the bunny gnawing at her cage was enough to place me back into reality. My reality is not a bad one, but I was having fun in my sleep.

I woke up feeling inspired. I’ve have the burning desire to write, but never had known where to start, but I think I am being shown in my dreams. There was so much detail, so much life in my dream. It would be worth writing down – maybe if only to relive it again. ūüôā

My biggest regret of the day is that I didn’t use the hour and a half that I had to myself to write. I instead cleaned two bathrooms, cleaned the fridge out, washed, dried & folded three loads of laundry, cleaned the bunny cage, cleaned the kitchen, dusted and then vacuumed. Though it’s obvious I used my time wisely – by not taking away time from my daughter – I kept thinking in the back of my mind… I better sit down and start writing. But then my fear started to arise. All the “what if’s”… I just need to give it a try.

Maybe tomorrow?

I am a Pisces.

I read my horoscope today. This is not something I ever do. I gave up the idea of matching who I was to a description of someone I thought I was a long time ago. You know you read those descriptions of the sign and you think to yourself, “Oh yeah, that’s totally me”. To be completely honest… The Pisces description + me = nailed it. It always seems though as someone will take the horoscope writing to a entirely different level of ridiculousness. I stopped reading my horoscope years ago when it said, How I was to feel that day, how my personal relationships were going to go and that because the moon was in some planet I would come into some money. What a load of Horse Manure. It is my choice how I am going to feel that day, regardless of how anyone treats me. It is by my own decisions and those of others on how my relationships will either grow or die. And as far as money… it isn’t just going to show up because the planets are aligned. Its called a job. Or in my case… a supportive husband. (I have multiple jobs too, I just volunteer my time more often than not) Anyway, ALL that to say… I was searching for, well, I don’t even remember and saw ‘Pisces Personality’ in the corner. I’ll admit it, I was curious. I was truly curious to see if I fit the description as well as I did before even though ¬†my life have changed so drastically. I am no longer the same person I was. Thankfully.

The writer for this particular website impressed me with their ability to lay down facts without over glorifying or making it all sound so ridiculous. So, here are some quoted text from the qualities description that stood out to me:

“When I think of Pisces I think of the sign of unconditional love.¬† In other words, you will love and accept totally and unconditionally until others prove you wrong. And even that won‚Äôt convince you right away.” I can only pray that I am this loving.¬†

Pisces sees all others as being one and connected to each other regardless of race, culture or sex.I do. My thoughts can often become clouded or jaded by those who do not love, but I never understand why some of my dearest friends were ever considered less than others. I mean, we are ALL the same make right? Skin, veins, blood, bones, a heart, a soul, a mind…¬†

“Pisces exist emotionally rather than rationally, instinctively more than intellectually.I laughed here because anyone who has ever been truly close me can attest to this. I’ve made a lot of really ridiculous decisions – based purely off of emotion or what I ‘felt’ at the time. I’m amazed at it all really. Regrets? A few. However, as I’ve grown – I learned to own my mistakes. It’s all apart of the mold holding me together.¬†

“You accept the people around you and the circumstances in which you find yourselves rather than trying to change others. You are sincerely more concerned with the problems of others than with your own.” This took a while to learn, but I got it. It’s beautiful to no longer worry about ‘changing’ others. I get to change me. ūüôā And this allows for me to enjoy getting out of ‘self’ and taking care of others for a change.¬†

“Leo and Pisces are too indecisive for each other and could wear each other out.” haha, my husband is a Leo. This does happen, a lot. ūüėȬ†

“Your talents can produce remarkable creativity in literature, music and art.” I am waiting for this to come true. I love to write, I love to paint and I desperately want to learn to play my guitar…¬†

“Pisces’ greatest strength is your imagination and creativity. You are brilliant at expressing yourselves in symbols and gestures. You therefore can be outstanding film-makers, photographers, and dancers.” My sweet husband tells me this all the time – that I have great imagination and creativity. If I could just do something with it!¬†

When a Pisces is under stress, all you want to do is hide hoping reality will disappear or magically mend itself.” HAHA – yes. I used to have my escape places… the beach, the park, the mall, a drive somewhere, the mountains, a movie marathon or my bedroom. Nowadays, I go outside. I pray. Write it all down and move on with a happy heart. Not 100% of the time, but I’m working on it. I can’t remember the last time I ‘hid’ from reality.¬†

“Pisces does not like to be confined; especially when feeling vulnerable. Therefore one of the best healing tonics for you generally is just being alone and escaping the day-to-day stress grind.” SO TRUE. A trip to the grocery store by myself used to do it. ūüėȬ†

“Creative visualization is one of the most positive ways to deal with change and Pisces is more adept at this than most signs.” Hence my reasoning for appreciating the Mountain view from my window. ūüėČ That and I’m thankful I get to change everything up in my home each season.¬†

the gift of Pisces is not the ability to see clearly from a rational point of view, but rather to look within and answer from the heart, a gift founded upon the belief in a higher power which makes things right. This is also the gift of intuition.I am definitely more rational than I used to be, but only when I have to be. ūüėČ I now rely on God for everything. Who needs to be ‘rational’ when I have God? ūüôā¬†

money does not motivate you as much as self-expression and creativity does.No truer words have ever been spoken. Mainly creativity. I don’t need to express my ‘self’ as much anymore.¬†

“You are definitely the sign of altruism and compassion, making you ultra-sensitive to the needs of other people. In fact, when you see someone suffering financially, you identify so closely, it feels like it is happening to you. It is impossible for Pisces to say no to anyone in trouble.” So true. In fact, I cried yesterday feeling helpless because I couldn’t do anything to help someone I care so much about.¬†

The modern zodiac represents Pisces as two fish swimming in opposite directions, however in the past many cultures chose the dolphin to symbolize Pisces.¬† The dolphin was known for its helpfulness to man, its kindness, its mercy, and even for its healing qualities to ancient man and it seems an appropriate symbol for Pisces.¬† The Pisces Fish swims in the ocean of life feeling connected to all living things with no boundaries and separations between others. “ For any of you who know me, you will know why this makes so much sense.¬†

many Pisceans are deeply spiritual and religious and certainly compassionate and sacrificing their needs for the good of others.” I pray that I am.¬†

Image

Resource: http://www.astro-counseling.com/html/pisces_qualities.html

A dim light today.

I haven’t posted anything in over a month, and I apologize. I have needed to for sure, but with the needs of all else, I do not have much energy left to sit and write for myself.

I’m feeling quite somber today. I am a week or so late starting my period so I was getting a little excited – a little hopeful that maybe this time it would be it. I kept feeling like there were signs…. I was very wrong. I woke up early this morning and ran into the bathroom so I can pee on a stick. I covered it with a piece of tissue so I would not try to peek and I immediately walked out the door. I walked outside onto my balcony, prayed, enjoyed the beautiful sun and waited. After what seems like an entire morning (probably a total of 10 minutes – just to make sure for accuracy) I walked into the bathroom, lifted the tissue and there it was – one line. Not Pregnant. I felt my heart sank and my face fall. I was so disappointed. Here again I felt hopeful and immediately began to feel the opposite. I did all I could to get out of myself and my sadness… Took a shower, got dressed up, did my make up, put on fun jewelry, wore my favorite bra, put on my best shoes, cleaned my kitchen, made lunch for everyone, called a friend, wrote an encouraging email, ran errands, spent some quality time with my daughter prepping for her birthday party, text loving words to others, pet my dog, enjoyed the outdoors, made a list of blessings, and now… here I am outside. The clouds have rolled in, but I can see the sun peering through at the end by the mountains. Though it’s dreary – it’s encouraging. A sweet little bird with a black stripe down its back keeps coming by and snacking on birdseed while kicking some back at me. I know I must stay encouraged but for this moment I am so sad.

Please do not mistake my sadness for ungratefulness. I am SO incredibly thankful for my daughter and for the fact that I was able to be pregnant and enjoy it, and that though times were tough, I enjoyed her being an infant, a baby, a toddler, and now a kid. I am so blessed and I know it. I just want another chance to love more. To go through it again. I know I am undeserving, but my heart desires another baby so bad. Not to mention my daughter who has been praying for a sibling for years… Me too baby, me too.

All I can do is move on. Be happy and grateful for everything I do have and love who’s in my life that much more.

Being Grateful.

I feel the need to bring something to light here. Do you truly know what it is to be grateful? I mean TRULY grateful. Saying ‘Thank you’ is what we quickly refer to when someone does something nice, sweet or selfless. But think about it – are you sincerely Thankful?

According to Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary the word Grateful is defined as follows:

a : appreciative of benefits received
b : expressing gratitude <grateful thanks>
2 a : affording pleasure or contentment : pleasing
 b : pleasing by reason of comfort supplied or discomfort alleviated
Google’s definition is even easier: ¬†Adjective – Feeling or showing an appreciation of kindness; thankful.
Lately I have been paying close attention to my own reactions to see if I am being truly grateful or not. I’ve learned there has been much room for improvement. With that said, I have also learned to recognize¬†opportunities¬†to be grateful. In this world we grow up around others that influence us to think ‘we deserve’ or that its ok to have expectations. But This is so wrong. Who are we to expect anyone to do anything – including reacting¬†appreciatively?! Who are we that we think we deserve kindness? I have been making a point to do more selfless actions for my spouse, my family, friends,¬†acquaintances¬†and strangers. Not for the praise from anyone, but to practice living selflessly and additionally practicing appreciation. I find it amazing to watch who truly appreciates one’s¬†generosity¬†and who else either expects it, or thinks they deserve it. No judgment here of course. I just pray that God is¬†allowing¬†me to see that behavior to ensure I never mirror that behavior myself.
I can immediately think of two instances today where someone being grateful totally flipped my attitude as well as lifted me up, whereas also someone was completely ungrateful and the testing of my reaction was difficult. But no matter what reaction I get, I am expected to be the constant. The constant sweet person – no matter how someone treats me – grateful or not. It’s not for me to determine who is appreciative or not – it goes back to the not having any expectations or not feeling like I deserve someone to be thankful for something I did. Besides, I’ve learned that when you do something for someone else – be quiet about it. When you boast about it, it is as if you expecting praise from someone, or want to bring attention to yourself. I am not writing this to do any of that. I’m sharing if only for the purpose to make you think; ‘How do I react to others’? ‘How can I be more selfless and loving towards others, regardless of how they are towards me’? These are my daily tests. And I am pretty sure I am not alone with this one. ūüėČ
My biggest challenges are in my marriage, my role as a parent and then also my reaction to other’s behavior. When things are super challenging in my marriage (as things often can be in most marriages) I have learned to stop, be quiet and go over my list of things I am truly thankful for. I am grateful that someone actually chose to marry me! Who am I to deserve a husband?! I am thankful that he allows me to stay home, even if our reasons are different. I am thankful that he has a good job and spends time there so that we can do extra things on the weekends. I am thankful my husband¬†doesn’t¬†do drugs or gamble our money away. I am thankful to have a nice place to live, in a nice part of town. I am thankful for my iphone. (it’s the little things, I’m telling you!) I am thankful I get to be a mom. Even in challenging times I am so truly grateful. I want more babies, however, ¬†in the last 8 years I haven’t even been close. ūüė¶ But in that same thought – what am I doing with the one child I was blessed to have? Am I TRULY grateful? Am I teaching her what is right? Am I leading her in the right direction? Am I showing her what it is to be a respectful, loving lady? Will I be grateful if I am ever blessed with another child? There have¬†definitely been more times that I care to mention that my husband and I discussed divorce. In the midst of anger and hurt I have to ask myself why? What I am thinking might¬†benefit¬†our lives by such an action? Do I think there is someone better? Do I believe that there is someone who will appreciate me? Perhaps, but it could also be a reminder for me to be grateful for who and what I have. It’s eye opening. We get to wake up everyday! We have always heard that we are not guaranteed another day, so how do we expect to make it home safely? How do we expect to wake up each morning? Why do we expect to see, hear, touch or smell? These are gifts to be truly grateful for. Honestly. ¬†This is the way to be grateful. To recognize our huge blessing each days, instead of focusing¬†completely¬†on the negative things that happen. Ok, so you got caught in traffic, spilled your coffee on your favorite skirt, got a ticket for running a red light (slow down!) then got to work 40 minutes late… you know what!? You got there safely?! You got to have coffee this morning? You own cool clothing?! you have a car? WAIT… you have a job? Are these not the things to be truly grateful for?! Who cares¬†about¬†traffic. You¬†should¬†expect it. This may going a little off topic, but I read a book when my daughter was an infant and the only chapter I¬†remember¬†out of it was “Expect the Spill”. I cannot remember what the book was, but If I do, I will comment below. Anyway, the chapter lined up all the potentials for ‘spills’, or accidents. The writer was trying to tell the reader/soon to be parent to expect it all. Expect the spill, so that when it¬†doesn’t¬†happen – you have an opportunity to praise your child or be thankful. This was seriously a¬†light¬†bulb moment for me! It was that simple. And I have to be honest, in the last 8 years since I read that chapter and applied it to my life – I had only one been late to a job once and that was because I overslept. I’ll tell you why. I would expect there to be traffic, or God Forbid an accident, so I made an effort to be ready earlier, plan ahead and leave early –¬†expecting¬†the worse. If there was traffic – no biggie – I expected it. If there wasn’t I felt like God handed me a ‘happy’ and I was thankful. ūüôā And think about it… in those horrible situations such as traffic (which there will ALWAYS be) think about what you might be protected from. Perhaps this traffic you are in is helping you realize you need to slow down your life… or perhaps its God’s way of protecting you from an accident. Food for thought anyway.
So, back to the events that¬†occurred¬†today; I made a point to be the constant. I continued to smile, serve and go out of my way – regardless of it was appreciated or not, because the bottom line is: I know my daughter was watching. Maybe not directly, but she is learning from me how to interact with others. By being the constant I am showing her that by being respectful I am not allowing the behaviors, words or actions of another determine my day or my mood (like I used to). And though there was much testing in that situation, I feel like I did what was right. I left with a smile on my face and a happy heart that I could do something for someone else completely selflessly. No expectations of a sincere thank you. (yes, it is tough to not say in your sassiest voice ‘ugh, you are welcome!!!!) But what does that do?! Give you the ‘thank you’ you think you deserve?! Nope, it¬†portrays¬†you as ungrateful and honestly an ass. So, don’t do it.
Thank you for reading. ūüôā
Much Love,
Dinky

Letter 1.

Dear Sadness,

Why are you the one to be-friend me? How is it that you and Lonely are always together? It is one thing to greet you in the parking lot, but how dare I offer you in, feed you and allow you to sleep in my bed and follow me around our hands gripped so closely together. How do I get rid of you?

This is how I feel… like I am all alone and barely holding on.

Barely hanging on...

Barely hanging on…

Writing.

Good Morning Readers!

Do you remember the movie ‘Sister Act 2′? Ok, do you remember the part when Whoopi is out side of the school and she pulls Lauryn Hill aside and shares ¬†a story about a book that inspired her to ¬†know when to follow your passion? I’ve always loved how Whoopi – no matter what role she’s ever played – seems to always use words and expression to speak to you (the viewer). She said, “when you wake in the ¬†morning and you can think of nothing but writing; then you are a writer”, “If you wake up in the morning, and can’t think of anything but singing first, than you’re suppose to be a singer, girl’. Watch up to the 1:54 mark. ūüôā

These words have stuck with me… I would consider¬†myself¬†to be one of those lost lambs. It’s not that I lack direction, I think I am lost with the¬†overwhelming¬†amount of things I¬†would¬†love to do with my life. In addition, I am great at talking myself out of everything good… so naturally, I make sure I feel as small as a¬†raisin. It’s quite ridiculous.

There is one thing I think of everyday. Writing. Now, I do not feel I possess the proper skills to be a writer, but my mind differs. I want to write about everything. Most days, my imagination is out of control – in a good way, I think. How does one get started? In school, it would take me a really long time to get started – I would overwhelm myself. I never finished school. Late last year, I withdrew from my online school so that I could go to Bel-Rea Institute here in Colorado. Another¬†attempt¬†of trying to live out a dream, however, my life is not my own so when my husband expressed concern financially and our plan to ¬†home school our daughter – that plan was too placed on hold. So, I wonder… What am I supposed to be doing?!

Right now I understand my role is to be a wife and mother. And I’m thankful for that. ūüôā ¬†I’ve been praying for more children, but the past seven years have shown me that there may be no more children in my future. I am SO unbelievably thankful for my daughter. I believe God is allowing this gap of time to show me how to be the best mom I can be. ‘What are you going to do with the precious child I gifted you? Are you going to raise her right? Lead her back to me?’ I just pray that I am doing what is right. Knowing I will never get another chance to do this – I am making each moment count. There are days I cannot fall asleep because I think of how I could have done so many things differently, but then I am reminded – God allows that conviction for us to be better and then he so generously wakes us up the next morning so we can try again. I am THANKFUL! Seriously thankful. In the meantime while my daughter is away at school I think of what I can do to show her the importance of education, finding our gifts and pursuing our dreams. I¬†don’t¬†have this to show her, so I’ve been trying to figure out how. I have been flirting with the idea of she and I writing a book together. I’m praying about it. My husband does not understand this type of passion, so he acts as if he thinks its silly, so I often keep my dreams to myself.

I woke up this morning only thinking of writing. If I wake up again tomorrow with the same pull in my heart I am going to have to do it! ūüôā

Until later,

Dinky